Sometimes finding your way is like crawling through a murky cave- cold, dark, horrifying, lonely. You can't see, but it feels like someone is lurking behind, a presence to remind you of things past. The thought of just feeling a tiny glimmer of light prick you, and the tiniest rush of fresh air fails to bring hope because it has been drowned in constant darkness and continued breathlessness.
I reflect upon the title of this blog..."Oh! The Places You'll Go!" and I never thought I was capable of going to depression, and panic and anxiety as I have. It's a hard thing to share but I hope it can bless others who are hurting but can't say that they are. Just a few weeks ago I wanted to die. I felt hopeless and like things would be dark in my heart forever. It didn't matter how many times I prayed, how many people encouraged me, or how many sermons I heard...everything hit the wall that my pain had built in me. Over and over the delicate places got ripped and torn, they wouldn't heal and I was scouring for comfort, so I ran...I hid. I was terribly busy with my light schedule, and would often spend as long as half an hour in my car deciding where to go.
I haven't blogged in so long. I felt like even writing was a vulnerbility that I couldn't handle, because I had opened my heart. I didn't protect it. But I know that it is better to be open than to be closed, though with caution. And HE gives me the strength to share.
Here it is, the thing He spoke to my heart when I wanted to be dead, to curse Him, to quit hoping for things, like intimacy, that I sometimes despise...He said "Breeann, BE HUMBLE!" For lack of time I won't expound, but it has changed....EVERYTHING.
