I Died

Sometimes finding your way is like crawling through a murky cave- cold, dark, horrifying, lonely. You can't see, but it feels like someone is lurking behind, a presence to remind you of things past. The thought of just feeling a tiny glimmer of light prick you, and the tiniest rush of fresh air fails to bring hope because it has been drowned in constant darkness and continued breathlessness.

I reflect upon the title of this blog..."Oh! The Places You'll Go!" and I never thought I was capable of going to depression, and panic and anxiety as I have. It's a hard thing to share but I hope it can bless others who are hurting but can't say that they are. Just a few weeks ago I wanted to die. I felt hopeless and like things would be dark in my heart forever. It didn't matter how many times I prayed, how many people encouraged me, or how many sermons I heard...everything hit the wall that my pain had built in me. Over and over the delicate places got ripped and torn, they wouldn't heal and I was scouring for comfort, so I ran...I hid. I was terribly busy with my light schedule, and would often spend as long as half an hour in my car deciding where to go.

I haven't blogged in so long. I felt like even writing was a vulnerbility that I couldn't handle, because I had opened my heart. I didn't protect it. But I know that it is better to be open than to be closed, though with caution. And HE gives me the strength to share.

Here it is, the thing He spoke to my heart when I wanted to be dead, to curse Him, to quit hoping for things, like intimacy, that I sometimes despise...He said "Breeann, BE HUMBLE!" For lack of time I won't expound, but it has changed....EVERYTHING.

Rejection or Protection?...and Isaiah 43:18-19!

I have exhausted the topic of singleness. I am sure of it. But I learned something so sweet this week that I just have to share it! My mom is teaching a marriage class for women through the summer and I was invited to sit in on a topic that I can relate with right now. She asked me to come in 15 minutes late though, so the ladies could review a more intimate topic from the week before. After a "No problem, Mom," a thought flickered through my mind...The same sort of "I'm not married. I can't relate.I don't get to be a part of the review because I haven't experienced what they have." But God blessed that all too familiar hurting place with a revelation: "Bree, it's not a rejection. It is for your PROTECTION!" I didn't need to sit in. I didn't need to fuel a flame by which I cannot be engulfed.

With conviction I can finally say that He has tarried in my desire for a husband out of His incredible love, and not because He desires to reject me. The consequence of my impatience, and whining, and dragging my heels is an incredible amount of pain and brokenness, to which I say "God, you aren't going to grant me marriage right now, are you?" This time I am thankful. I see clearer than ever that good intentions do not consume the reality of me: that I am immature right now and not prepared to make such an incredibly heavy decision. He sees the me that is at war inside this skin and He's a gracious Father to step in and protect me from myself :)

These verses are exciting to me beyond what I can express. ISAIAH 43:18-19 The Lord was speaking through His prophet Isaiah to the Israelites: "FORGET THE FORMER THINGS; DO NOT DWELL ON THE PAST. SEE, I AM DOING A NEW THING! NOW IT SPRINGS UP; DO YOU NOT PERCEIVE IT? I AM MAKING A WAY IN THE DESERT AND STREAMS IN THE WASTELAND." Sometimes I just don't believe I will be different. I muttle through the same crap in my heart over and over and over, but He is doing a NEW THING!!! He has promised a refinement, a sanctification and though it seems subtle I HAVE to believe that that process is happening to me now...That I will reap the fruit of my laboring with God over this super STUBBORN and impatient, childish heart. Praise God for His gentleness!

Work tonight was great! We were so far ahead in our closing tasks that we could turn up the tunes and enjoy eachother. The menial dishes at home were sweet for me today as well. I got to cook up a quaint lunch :) Tried to get back to eating healthy, but for lack of sugar I took TWO naps! haha I'm enjoying the chance at happiness again,even if it is in small stuff. Perhaps it's where happiness has always been...and will be :)

Philippians 4:4-9

...And as this anxiety wells up within me I remember that I can surely accomplish nothing without His help. I cannot work hard all hours of my shifts, save diligently for school and study well, be in ministry, distribute my CDs, grow as a musician, work at healing the wounds inside me, and give of myself wholeheartedly to my family and friends....I can't do any of it! But Jesus can...and all I have to focus on RIGHT NOW is getting ready for work. :) ...Phil. 4:4-9

Revelations, Morsels, and Late Night Conversations

A few sweet revelations:

~If I am going to credit God and be happy in Him when my deepest longings and dreams are realized, then why don't I credit God's movement (even in my sorrows) and be happy in Him RIGHT NOW? I don't want sweet, future times to be burdened by feelings of regret that I just "couldn't trust God in my agony". I want to trust God when it feels like He's a million miles away.
~Perhaps some longings of mine (even miniscule longings) are being filled right now and I don't even realize!

Oh to have a morsel of hope :) I was listening to J.J Heller on my drive home tonight. I breathed in deep and felt the heaviest LIGHTNESS surrounding my heart...like my physical heart. Through various anxiety and sadness, it's as though something has literally been sitting atop my chest and it's an awful feeling. I can't remember the last time my heartbeat was so at ease...and I was thankful, thankful, thankful.

Mom and I got to talk and pray together tonight too. I LOVE late night chats with my mom, and all the wisdom and love she so graciously pours out. I'm SO blessed to have a best friend in her :) and thankful for the sweetness there is in this time...But I can only see it if I choose to look!

Stars and Scars

I often long to sit beneath the canopy of stars. It seems calming and romantic but I usually head inside and pursue final daily tasks until I am tired enough to collapse in bed and fall asleep right away. I don't like lying awake in bed. It's obnoxious to me, and a little painful. (But, back to the stars). I laid upside down on our driveway tonight. Boy, are they pretty! There were SO many! And summers' breeze rushed over my bare arms. It was a sweet, small joy.

It is invevitable, that the new and used pain in me is here tonight...Even as I move one foot in front of the other...Even as I pursue the treasures of my day. It doesn't go away but simply moves around inside my heart, pushing itself to the surface and even lounging in my deepest blessings and joys. The people I love the most, and the places that are as home to me are simply some of the most painful people to be with and places to be. I don't want to be anywhere!!! and at the same time I long to be everywhere and surrounded by all things.

And I have learned this: That pain is woven into the fabric of life, and I need to decide, somehow, that I'm finally okay with that.

Psalm 100 and "Squishy Dolphins"

I was reminded yesterday of David's sweet words in Psalm 100:3. "Know that the Lord is God. It is He who made us, and we are His; we are His people and the sheep of His pasture." A few months ago, as loud peels of thunder were storming inside of me, I eagerly recited the words...Over and over I would say them outloud. I was wishing for a miraculous healing and an instant, whole belief. I was called (as He often calls me) to trust His whispering...and that is faith.

This morning I made mushroom & herb risotto. The rice needs to be sauteed in olive oil before it is submerged in water and herbs, and that is fun to do :) I'm not often one for mushrooms, but I enjoy the subtle flavor on occasion. My brother calls mushrooms "squishy dolphins" which usually stiffle mine and my sister's appetite for them at the dinner table. Mushrooms ARE of strange texture and it gets worse when you consider that they are fungi, but I tried not to think of that. I'd say this risotto experience was a good one. Nice and yummy!

Dr. Seuss and Dreams

Graduation. June 2005. And Dr. Seuss' "Oh! The Places You'll Go!" He seemed to capture the anticipation and fear that had taken residence inside of me. I wondered which places I would "go," and how my unrealized dreams would come to pass. My accomplishments after High School may be magnified to those who look at them. They are great accomplishments, but where I thought leaping and prancing would be, there have been faint and weakened steps forward...The journey is different than I'd imagined, and far more painful than I'd ever wanted.

I am ever confronted by my intense desires: for grand and beautiful moments and fulfilled aspirations! Sometimes I hate everything that I want! My dreams show their faces to me, and appear at times like monsters. I am haunted by them. I see here, in my valley, that I need to do some un-dreaming. There are hopes I have that were never in my Makers' plan for me.

"Which places shall I go, Lord?" and "Which dreams shall I undream?" It is a terribly, beautiful thing to throw off my purposes for His purposes. I hope that God will stitch my dreams to His, like Peter Pan's shadow was stitched to him, (after much fussing, I must say). I'm not certain if my next steps will be big and bold. Perhaps my stepping will be miniscule and simple, but it will lead me to a place that I shall go...And because I am "going" I can be grateful.